So this is Planet Houston

[Javyn]

Drug induced...I was on serious painkillers for the slipped disk in my spine. Including, but not limited to Vicadin and 3 types of muscle relaxors. So, drug induced, but it was prescription drug induced.

[Bob]

that doesn't sound like fun. i hope your spine is fixed. or numb.

[Javyn]

Yeah it's doing a lot better now. I can exist without feeling crippling stabbing pain. I actually went back to work, so yay! BUT I can only work 4 hours at a time for awhile, which is ok. And I'm not drug induced anymore...so you won't need to worry about too much crazy from me...

[Evil Manager]

Well in any case I would be trying to make some kind of joke at this point in time, but with many of the things that have been swirling around in my head and some of the things that were said to me or about me in some way by certian people I hold the highest respect for, have made me come to the realization to explain some of my actions or way of being.

Trust me, I have not taken offense to any thing that was said to me, I did ask for opinions and I got exactly that. Today I have come to find out that some people think that I act like I am always right. I don't argue for the sake of arguing. I am usually sucked in to other peoples arguements and I don't usually get all the information I need to make a valid point in the whole discussion. So in effect I get trapped in to looking like an idiot because I am discussing something that isn't even close to what is being debated. In any case I am well versed in many subjects, I don't try to rub it in anyones face and if I do I apoligize completely, because that is not what I am trying to do.

On another note, I was talking to Paul about the whole situation and he says that I can be intimidating to people. I had no idea that thats how I came off to people and I am sorry if I gave anyone the wrong impression about me, I guess I do put on a shell to protect the real person that I am. It also takes alot for me to open up to people, it really takes time for me to trust anyone with who I am and who I want to be. I know that I don't seem like it but, I am afraid to show anyone who I am, I have had to many disapointments in my life to show just anyone how I am really feeling. I know that I act like I am the life of the party and that everyone needs to pay attention to me, but when I act like that, thats when I am the most depressed, thats when I am hurting the most, thats when I feel like I am all alone.

I am sorry to my friends the most, the way that I have acted towards some of you has been uncalled for, I know that I have taken shots at some of you guys with out realizing how touchy certian situations are for you. I know that I act like nothing affects me and I act like I have no insecurities at all. I guess I am writing all of this because I am depressed and I really have no one to talk to at 1:30am. My only advice that I can say right now to any of you is that don't throw away anything for a relationship, don't change who you are, don't change the things that you do. When you spend one fourth of you life trying to change, you turn out like me.